She got jumper cable lips
She got sunset on her breath now
I inhaled just a little bit
Now I got no fear of death now
– 40 Days Dream, Edward Sharpe And The Magnetic Zeros
Since I have been ‘back’ in the default world, there wasn’t a single day I wouldn’t remember the Toad experience. Sometimes even multiple times a day. I have shared it with few people I trust since, which was quite interesting. One friend was reportedly getting goosebumps while I was describing my experience to her with very shaky voice and waving hands. Even though using words to describe the flash seems futile, I know from my previous sessions that it helps with remembering. One of the first thing I recall after my return was seeing sweet brother D. holding me, saying: “We need to remember this!” So, this is my attempt…
I already sat once in a room full of gorgeous beings, covered in sensual smells and Brian Eno’s soft music. But that person from six months ago seems now so different. Then, there was anxiety, fear, doubts, mental noise. I was the only one not participating that night. And I never regretted that, because I believe that everything has its time and place. How O. would say – the Life knows best. So, something must have changed over the past six months as I was sitting calmly now. I was centered, grounded and mildly surprised at the fact that I felt perfectly content without a grain of any negative or unpleasant emotion. I was just there, present, breathing, fully enjoying the trips of you who went before me and waited patiently for my turn.
When the time came, I recall I was contemplating if I should stay sitting or lie down. I remembered how our beautiful brother B. smoked the toad magic at the last weekend, lied down and blew the smoke gracefully right towards the ceiling. I loved that sight and wanted to do it in a same way. Now I am like – really? Was I thinking about aesthetics at that very moment? It makes me giggle a little now. I sat down and let J. explain the pipe details. I took the pipe into my hands, closed my eyes and took few deep breaths. My usual mantra seemed too long for this occasion, so I chose Ram Dass. Be Love Now. Be Love Now. Be… Inhale… Love… Inhale… Now… Inhale… I could hear the water bubbling in the pipe for a while and it surprised me a little that there was really no taste to it. I let go of the pipe and I have no memory of blowing the smoke out.
The fairy dust got my attention. Beautiful kaleidoscopic patterns rotating in the front of me and I thought amusingly: Look, such pretty pictures! It didn’t last long though. Soon an enormously powerful energy started shooting through me, like some penetrating galvanised wind. The intensity was incredible. There was no visual input at this stage, just the gusts of that powerful wind that was violently tearing me apart. I have focused on my breath – breathe in, breathe out, in, out – while with every gust a layer of me disappeared. Whoosh, body gone. Whoosh, past gone. Whoosh, concepts gone. Whoosh, mind gone. Whoosh, everything gone…
A wonderful space opened around me and I have remembered I have been there before. In few ayahuasca sessions, when the brew was strong, I have gone to the same place. And I felt I was there long before that, before I was born. The feeling of familiarity was overwhelming. It was the place I always tried to remember after my previous visits, but it escaped me each time. But not anymore, not after this visit. All that was left from me at this stage, was my breath. And the one who was observing it. Breathe in, breathe out. No emotions, no fears, nothing else but the breath. And then, I heard something or someone speaking to me in a calm, peaceful voice. The voice said: “You know, it is quite OK to let go off the breath too”. The breath was my only connection to who I was. I knew straight away that to let go of it means to die. I stopped breathing. I died. It felt like the easiest, simplest thing I have done in my life.
Immediately, what was left of “me” dissolved and “I” was absorbed by an enormous, radiating, vibrating, swirling ball of the purest blinding light the size of an universe. The process had sort of cartoonish character. Like the ball of light was a mother hen and “I” was a chicken and the hen grabbed me with her wing and swept “me” under her, in her. Gently, but firmly. This absorbing energy had definitely a female feel to it. It was pure bliss. “I” was home. It also felt like “I” have lost consciousness at this stage or the “I” finally dissolved completely. I have no memories for some time.
After what felt like aeons, I think I have started coming back. I remember looking around, still absorbed, but now I could see where I was, what was this energy enveloping me. I couldn’t believe it when it hit me, it was all pure Love! Everything there was, was Love. I was Love. There was nothing else. But stuff started slowly coming back. When the language returned, the word “Love” was shooting out from the field around me towards my face. I must have been getting slowly back to my body too by this time, because I could feel like my mouth was wide open in awe, my eyes wide open, scanning the beauty around. I have started yelling, while turning my head around: “Oh my god! Do you see it, do you see it too? It’s all Love! It’s all made from Love!” It was manic. I was so sure that I have been yelling like this in reality, so I was in disbelief when I was later told that I was quietly sitting in lotus position the whole time.
Finally, I have been pushed, almost kicked by Love fully back to my body. I have opened my eyes and looked around, scanning every person sitting around me in circle as their faces and bodies were radiating and vibrating with colourful auras. Everyone looked so beautiful, their faces glowing, hugging me, kissing me. I felt welcome and expected. I felt like a newborn baby when she opens her eyes for the first time and see her parents looking at her with nothing else but Love. It felt so good and… reassuring. And it still does.
September 2014
More on the psychoactive toad: https://erowid.org/animals/toads/toads.shtml